Roles or Relationships?

The month of February usually brings with it a good opportunity to reflect on our relationships - thanks to the now worldwide phenomenon that comes upon us on 14th Feb!

 The two themes are not separate.

How we see ourselves plays into the ‘roles’ and ‘characteristics’ we take on in our relationships…and how we experience our relationships can often lead us to think of ourselves in certain (often limited) ways. 

For example:

We may take on the role of the carer or the ‘cared for’ in the relationship – the ‘parent-figure’ or the one who needs help.

We may become the dominant one or the passive one – the one who directs the relationship or the one who simply goes along with everything.

We may see ourselves as the problem-solver or the challenger – the one who always has an answer or the one who questions everything.

We may even see ourselves as the net giver or the net receiver of love in the relationship!

We take on characteristics such as the ‘strong one’, ‘the wise one’, ‘the emotional one’, ‘the quiet one’, ‘the smart one’, ‘the weak one’, ‘the adventurous one’, ‘the helpful one’, ‘the good one’…even ‘the bad one’.  

Often we hold on to these roles and characteristics so tightly and take them so personally that we forget to look beyond these mere ways of being to the bigger picture of all that we are and all that we still have it in us to be. We box ourselves into these definitions and judge ourselves against them. And the more we play into these roles and characteristics, the more we buy into the fiction that that is all we are.

And we do the same to other people. Most often, we see others not for who they fully are in their uniqueness, their gifts and their expression as individuals - but in their roles as relevant to us. We then judge them against how we think they should be in that role and wonder how they will judge us if we diverge from our ‘roles’ or ‘characteristics’ that we are supposed to fulfil for them. Along the way, we may find that our relationships lack a depth of connection, or a richness of experience, or perhaps some distance or dissatisfaction creeps in. We may find ourselves wondering what went wrong or why we are not happy or fulfilled.

We all have a secret fear of losing ourselves in a relationship, or of losing the love, appreciation, support or respect of those who matter. Ironically, this is exactly what leads us to box ourselves and others in limited ways, eventually distancing us from ourselves and those we love.

The key to living a life without fear is having the courage to be more than we think we are. To express ourselves fully and vulnerably beyond the roles we believe we have to play or the ways we think we have to be. Yes, with ‘strangers’. But especially so with those dearest to us.

Our fears will come up along the way. Sometimes we won’t even know they are there!

But as long as we choose to be all that we are beyond how we think we are supposed to be, we are on the path to truly loving and fulfilling relationships. With others. And with ourselves.